The fear of Bill Belichick’s wrath is real.
Former Patriots lineman Rich Ohrnberger says he once overslept and was going to be late for practice, so he intentionally rear-ended another vehicle so he’d have an excuse. It didn’t fly with his position coach, Dante Scarnecchia.
“He was like, ‘How’s it going, Speed Racer?’ And I was like, ‘What’s that?’ ” Ohrnberger recalled while on San Diego’s Hartman and Rich O Show. “ ‘Running a little late this morning?’ I was like, ‘Dante, I got into an accident.’
“ ‘That stuff might fly at IBM, OK? Like, if you’re one of those geeks working on the computers and stuff. That stuff doesn’t work here. You be on time from now on.”
• At Fark.com: “We don’t know if he watched film or read the playbook, but Kyler Murray failed to study for his COVID test.”
• At TheOnion.com: “Slumping Aaron Judge fails to hit home fun for entire at-bat.”
Here’s the rub
The American Massage Therapy Association’s national convention is scheduled for Aug. 25-27 in Cleveland.
Alas, the keynote speaker is Michael Phelps, not Deshaun Watson.
Truth in advertising
Aptly named White Sox pitcher Dylan Cease has allowed opponents zero or one earned run in 13 straight starts.
QB on wheels
The Bengals’ Joe Burrow, sidelined at training camp after an appendectomy, was seen accompanying his teammates doing 40-yard windsprints — on a golf cart.
It gives a whole new meaning to “rollout quarterback.”
Not cleared for takeoff
Former NBA player Iman Shumpert was arrested for cannabis possession when he tried to pass through airport security for his flight to Los Angeles.
Apparently he’s no longer immune to traveling violations.
Doctoring the ball
Dr. Anthony Fauci will throw out the ceremonial first pitch at Tuesday’s Mariners-Yankees game in Seattle.
In keeping with the theme, the catcher will be wearing an extra mask.
Cardinal or roadrunner?
Cardinals WR Marquise Brown was arrested for criminal speeding after police say he was clocked at better than 85 mph on Loop 101 in north Phoenix.
Or as he calls it, a go route.
Kids, avert your eyes
Here’s one good reason not to root for Dallas in the upcoming NFL season:
As Cowboys fan Shaquille O’Neal told The Rich Eisen Show: “The Cowboys will win the Super Bowl this year, or I will walk butt naked down the 101 (in California) for one exit.”
This year’s winner of the Bobby Bonilla Award: Robinson Cano — a free agent after being released by the Mets, Padres and Braves this season — who is still owed approximately $33.7 million.
The Mets (mostly) and Mariners are on the hook for the tab.
Colts linebacker Darius Leonard wants to be known as “Shaquille.”
Yeah, but will he run naked down Highway 101?
Talking the talk
• Nick Canepa of the San Diego Union-Tribune, after Bears GM Ryan Poles said he was “bothered” by three of his players getting arrested during the offseason: “Apparently he was expecting the team record to be broken.”
• Marshall Stuart, via Twitter, after the Tigers’ Derek Law became the first pitcher to allow a homer, commit an error, hit a batter and throw a wild pitch in a single relief appearance: “Is that the Nuke LaLoosh hat trick?”
The Arizona Cardinals removed the homework clause from QB Kyler Murray’s contract extension.
Actually, his dog Swoosh ate it.
• Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot: “The media’s characterization of the Nationals’ midseason trade of generational talent Juan Soto as ‘unprecedented’ is a euphemism for ‘what are they smoking?’ ”
• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on Tom Brady celebrating his 45th birthday: “NFL quarterback, winner of seven Super Bowls and married to a supermodel whose net worth is over $400 million. Good luck finding him a gift.”
• Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, on Steph Curry picked to host the ESPYs: “Poor guy is finally getting some attention!”
• Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on games between non-contenders: “A series between the Pirates and the Rockies is as meaningful as serenading a corpse.”
Fight, fight, fight
Saints rookie tackle Trevor Penning was kicked out of practice after getting into a fight for the third straight day.
Who knew three strikes and you’re out applied to football too?
Quote, end quote
• Bob Ryan, on Bill Russell: “In his final 14 years as a basketball player, Bill Russell’s team participated in 21 winner-take-all contests (nine NCAA tournament games, one Olympic gold-medal game, 10 Game 7s, one deciding Game 5), and Bill Russell’s team won all 21.”
• Angels manager Phil Nevin, to reporters, after hitting seven homers and losing 8-7 to the A’s: “I guess they always say solo home runs don’t beat you, but you feel like if you hit seven, you might.”
• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, via Twitter, on Vin Scully: “In eighth grade, I hid my little radio in a hollowed-out book so I could listen to the World Series at school (via earbud). Scully almost got me expelled.”